When you encounter complications in your relationship—and you will—there will be times when you have to make some hard choices. In those choices, you will have your requirements and your compromises. There are other times when there is a problem, but the issue is not yours to deal with. Someone other than you has choices and possibly compromises to make. What is it that you must do?
- The first step is to determine who owns the issue: both of you, him, or just you.
- Is this problem the real issue or is it just a symptom of the real problem? For instance: Do you continually see the same type of issue come up; is this just a one-time issue; or do the two of you need to sit down and talk about it in order to determine what the real issue is and what the compromise or choice may be?
- Are you dealing with an issue that goes against a core value that you have put in place for your life, or are you possibly trying to control the situation?
There are many reasons why people don’t get along. These are just a few questions you could ask yourself when dealing with controversy.
If you own the issue, realize that others can’t fix it for you. You must do the work. You showed up with the baggage and it is your job to fix it. Just as an alcoholic can’t be fixed by a codependent, an issue holding person can’t be fixed by their partner. Getting through issues takes time and work.
If you had painful experiences as a child, and now you are an adult, then own what is happening today. Take the stand that you will look at whatever is going on and do what needs to be done to make your future brighter.
If you are part of the problem, be self-sufficient enough to take care of your own needs, address your own issues, and ask your mate to do the same. Taking on the responsibility for both sets of issues—his and yours—is just not right. Actually it’s impossible. I’ve tried!
Whoever is involved, make sure you are respectful as you move through the process. Nothing is gained by manipulating, controlling, or being condescending to the other person. Everyone has issues and we eventually, hopefully, learn what needs to be done. Be proactive by looking at every problem that comes up with the same clear vision: who owns the issue and what is it that you need to do?
For more on how to make your relationship the best it can be take a look at: Loving with Purpose: The Journeys You Take | The Choices You Make